


His Lovebite (crack)

by spaladin



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: And just a complete masterpiece tbh, Angst, Cute, F/F, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kawaii, M/M, Multi, Post-Canon, Rabies, klance, klangst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-31
Packaged: 2019-06-20 15:37:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15537408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaladin/pseuds/spaladin
Summary: I've been working on this baby for five years, non-stop. I showed it to my editor and she cried and said I was the next Shakespeare, so if that doesn't convince you to read it, nothing will.Lance has been in love with Keith for as long as he can remember, but nothing appear's to sway the other boy's affections in his favour. Not even his sick lyrics. Lance almost gives up until he's offered a chance to make Keith love him forever... but at what cost?!





	1. Chapter 1

_“I walk in your shadow, and I’m lost ‘cause you don’t love me. My anguish is never ending. My pain is like a drug. It reminds me that I am unloved and I want to die.”_ Keith’s voice was soft like a hummingbird’s wings as he read out Lance’s lyrics, but it was cold too.

“Well?” Lance demanded after a silence. “What do you think?”

He hadn’t flown all the way onto the black lion to be treated like shit. But Keith always treated him like shit, which was sad, because Lance was in love with him.

Keith dropped the piece of paper with Lance’s lyrics scrawled on it onto the floor. He shrugged.

“I don’t care. I was busy. Leave me alone.”

Lance cried, tears overflowing and making his face damp. He stomped his foot.

“Agh! Why don’t you love me?”

“Because you’re not right for me. I’m only interested in a very certain type of people. Goodbye, Lance. I hope you have a good day.”

Keith kicked Lance out of the black lion and he was spinning in space towards red, crying.

“Only space is as empty as you are!” He shouted angrily, even though he knew Keith couldn’t hear him now. It had taken him three days to write those lyrics! And Keith had thrown them on the ground! Just like he’d thrown Lance’s heart on the ground!

When he was in the red lion, listening to MCR and thinking about his unrequited love, Space wolf teleported into the cockpit. Lance swerved in the lion out of shock.

“Wow!” He shouted in fright. “Space wolf! What are you doing here?”

Space wolf licked his fur as he sat in front of Lance. “I heard what happened.” Said Space wolf.

Lance pouted. “I don’t want to talk about it. That’s embarrassing. Leave me alone, _mutt_.”

“I have some advice for you.” Said Space wolf. “An its about Keith’s sexuality.”

Now Lance was interested.

“Omg, really?” He asked hungrily. “What is it?”

Space wolf paused and stared at Lance cryptically. “I can’t tell you.”

Lance huffed, angry. “Then get out of my space-ship, dog! I’m bored of you now!” Lance felt bad when Space wolf disappeared, but he didn’t care! Space wolf was a jerk! Just like Keith!

He phoned Allura thru his helmet.

“Hi babe.” He said sadly. “Keith rejected me again.”

“Oh, no.” Said Allura, “You earthlings are so interesting.”

Lance sighed. “I know. Anyway, how are you and Romelle?”

“We’re good!” Said Allura, “Actually Romelle is teaching me how to make”-

“Actually I don’t care.” Said Lance. “Bye, Allura. I’m too sad to talk to you. I’m too sad to talk to anyone!”

He hung up and started crying again, worried for the state of his tear-ducts because he’d cried too much today. And it was all because Keith didn’t love him back! Boo!

That night they landed on a planet that was being attacked by the Galra. Good thing Lance was a good fighter because he killed at least five thousand of them! He looked at Keith, waiting for him to be impressed, but he wasn’t.

“I’m giving up on life.” Said Lance, sliding down a rock-face and throwing his bayard into the sand.

Space wolf bounded over and he had blood around his mouth.

“Ew.” Said Lance, “Go away.”

“No.” Said Space wolf, “Not when your depressed. I can help!”

“How? You’re just a dog.”

Space wolf laughed. “Remember how we talked about Keith’s sexuality? Well. I can help him fall in love with you too.”

Lance gasped with his whole mouth, “Really? How?”

Space wolf licked his lips. “Yeet! I’ll show you.” And then he leapt onto Lance and bit his leg really really hard!

“OW!” Said Lance, “Ow, ow ow! That’s so painful and omg there’s blood on my armour now! Get off Space wolf!”

Space wolf let him go and there was two big gory holes in his leg.

“Now you have rabies,” Said Space wolf, “And Keith will love you.”

Lance stared at the bite. “Are you sure?”

Space wolf said “Yeah ofc! That’s why he loves me! Because I’m a wolf with rabies!”

Lance laughed through the pain. “Oh right.”

Shiro rescued Lance with his strong manly arm and his cool new robot one and carried him to the black lion where everyone was waiting with tears in their eyes.

“Oh no.” Said Pidge sadly, “Is Lance guna die?”

“No.” Said Hunk, sniffing and holding a gummy bear, “He won’t. Don’t die Lance! We love you lol.”

“Don’t worry guys, I’m good. Space wolf just did me a little favour that’s all.”

Keith was lovingly staring at Lance’s bite wound. “Omg…” He said, “Space wolf bit you?”

Lance nodded and a thrill began in his heart because Keith’s eyes were moist with happy tears. Keith dropped to his side and licked Lance’s bite wound, before spitting on the floor.

“Sorry,” He apologised, “I had to spit because I don’t want rabies as well.”

Lance gave him a loving and soppy smile. “It’s okay, babey.”

“Wow,” Said Keith, “I think I’m in love with you. And now I’m sooo turned on.”

“TMI!” Said Allura, covering hers and Romelle’s ears.

“I forgot my brother was rabiosexual.” Said Shiro, “The only one _I_ love is Adam. Swoon.” Shiro swooned and Pidge had to catch him. Good thing she was strong!

“Well I’m asexual.” Said Pidge.

“Me?” Said Allura fondly, “Romelle and me are lesbianos together and it’s the best thing ever you should try!”

“No thanks.” Said Keith, stroking Lance’s face, “I only am in love with those with rabies.”

Lance felt weak and he didn’t know if it was because of his rabies or Keith’s love for him.

“Mmm. That suits me! Anyway, time for some food!”

 

That night, when Lance’s rabies had fully absorbed into his system, he and Keith made love in the black lion. Krolia wasn’t there so it was ok but Space wolf watched proudly.

“Omfg!” Keith shouted when it was over, falling onto the floor because he was exhausted. “Lance that was sooo good… we’ve shared our bodies now.”

Lance began to cry. “Oh no. You won’t get rabies now too will you?”

“No.” Said Keith, “You’re in the incubation period so its cool. Ily.”

Lance hiccupped, and he could feel his rabies inside him. It felt great. Why hadn’t he done this before? He started foaming at the mouth and Keith instantly got hard again. They had sex ten times in twelve minutes. Coran walked in.

"Wassup, Pigeons!" He screeched, "Up for a threesome?"

Keith looked displeased. "Sorry. I only sleep with people infected with rabies." 

Lance nodded in agreement. He couldn't speak because there was too much foam. 

"LMAO!" Said Coran, whipping out a syringe. He plunged it into his leg. "All done! I now have rabies." He said, his orange moustache quivering majestically as it, too, got rabies.

Keith whipped out his 'bayard'. Coran nodded and said "Impressive."

Then they had a wild threesome that lasted three hours. 

When Coran left, Keith said he had a confession to make. 

"What is it babey?" Asked Lance, jumping on Keith's bed. The black lion was a nice apartment. Back on earth, real-estate agents would go wild for this thing, Lance thought. 

Keith sighed with all his heart. "I don't think we can be with Coran." 

Lance made an awkward face. "Um why? Is it because his arms are nicer than yours?"

Keith remained in a surly silence. Lance wailed. "HELLO. Speak to me Keith?"

"It's cause Coran doesn't have a bite." Said Space Wolf because Keith was too teary to speak.

Lance gasped. "Wuuuut?" He looked at his own bite. It had turned black and veiny and blood was oozing from it down his leg. Keith stared at it lovingly. 

"Your rabies is just too powerful, Lance. Nothing can beat it." Said Keith, which made Lance swoon. When he recovered, Space Wolf gave him more rabies my drooling on the bite wound.

"Lol." Said Space wolf, "I basically vored your leg. Tasted good tho." 

Lance laughed, wagging his finger. "Don't get any ideas now Space wolf!"

Space wolf looked at him levelly. "You are a sub-species of little to no importance. When the time comes, you all shall perish eventually and pass the threshold into death. The gates beyond into the afterlife shall remain shut to you, due to your hubristic natures and the self-fulfilling prophecy that is, and shall be, humanity's demise. If I choose to eat you, I will only be doing the universe a favour." 

Keith laughed. "Lol, space wolf is so funny."

"Ikr!" Said Lance. "Anyway, what do we do about Coran?"

"Idk." Said Keith sadly. "I guess we kill him? It's the only way. I don't wanna have to break up with him."

"Hmm." Said Lance. "Guess your right." 

So the next day they made an elaborate plan to kill Coran. When the time came, Lance was super nervous. He'd never really killed anyone before except Galra but they didn't reall count because they were nasty. Except Krolia. She was cool. 

Keith pulled out a knife and Lance held Coran down. But Coran was too strong! Yikes! He threw Lance off and stomped on his head. But then Lance's rabies kicked in and he went into a beserk mode, frothing at the mouth and biting Coran's face. 

"OMG! What are you doing!" Said Coran. 

"Killing you!" Keith yelled. "We can't be together!" 

Coran laughed. "Lmao, did you actually think I wanted to be with you guys? Nah fam, that was a one time thing lol humans have bad stamina in bed. This is why I miss Alfor. Anyways, I have to go cure my rabies again 'cause Lance bit me so BYE." 

Keith and Lance were left alone on the red lion. That was a relief! All was right with the universe again, but most importantly, Lance and Keith were together. And in love. 

"I don't even care if its just my rabies you love." Said Lance, lovingly kissing Keith's hair. "I still love you."

"Haha yeh, it's just your rabies. But that's why we're together. Love you Lance." 

"Rawr, love you baby." Said Lance. And they lived happily ever after. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> krolia and lance hate each other but they're both rabid af

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what am i doing with my life.  
> Anyway have some cursed content to pass the time.   
> Actually, what are you doing with YOUR life? Do your homework bro.

"YIKES" said Lance, "babey, im worried about something."

Keith sighed. He was listening to fall out boy and rocking out. Lance thought about how hot his mullet was as he bobbed up and down because it was sooooo cute as it bobbed over his face. He was weak for an emo fringe. 

"what is it lence?" 

"Um. Well thats..." Lance was shy. He turned bright red and turned away.

Keith got angry. "AGH?! what is it. Don't u trust ME?" 

"OMG BABES! OFC I DO!" Lance roared. "I just have a qwestion thats all!" 

Keith folded his arms. "Huh. Go. Speak your question bitch." 

Lance fiddled with his hair. "Um like. Do you think Im a twink?" 

Keith gaped. He hadn't been expecting that one! Yikes! "Ummmmmm.... well I guess you're a twink yeah."

Lance screamed. "I KNEW IT!" 

Krolia walked into the black lion. "Yo why are u screaming at my son you stupid twink." 

"Oh no..." said Space Wolf, shaking his head, "There's gonna be another fucken fight."

Lance drew his bayard which transformed into a sword which was altean probably. "Fight me lass. We'll see who Keith loves more." 

Keith laughed. "Mom is rabid af Lance. You probs won't win." 

Lance began foaming at the mouth. It was his new power move. But Krolia's foaming was far superior. It painted the floor purple (galra spit is purple okay?). 

Lance backed away, "omg that's rogue, woman." 

She laughed. "Ikr. Anyway, time to die." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what will HAPPEN??? uwu


End file.
